For the Best
by insidiousreality
Summary: "I've hurt you too much and I can't anymore. This is a new start for you and if I took any bit of that away I could never forgive myself. Goodbye Brittany." She whipped away, wiping her eyes. It was for the best.
1. I Can't Anymore

**So this is my first attempt at a Glee fanfic and I'd love reviews just to see what people think about it and whether I should continue or not. ****Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy!**

~Winter 2016

Santana braced herself for the freezing early morning, but the preparations didn't really matter. The cold hit her as soon as the doorman opened the door for her. She threw her cracked dry hands into her pockets and burrowed her nose into her scarf. For four in the morning she found a taxi easily, that's why she loved New York no matter what time of day or night the city lived, it breathed, it exhaled and inhaled. Not Lima, she spent her nights in Lima in the back of boys' cars driving from one party to the next giggling with Quinn and… It always came back to Brittany, no matter how hard she tried. Even a bitter wind brought her back to Brittany. She hated it.

~ Summer 2012

Here they all were, for the last time before they all were swept off into the future. The fucking Glee Club had become some sort of screwed up family to Santana. It still made her relatively uncomfortable. Not Brittany though, with them she was in her element. She was the happiest when she was dancing with Mike or singing with Kurt. Santana had come to the party alone, telling Brittany she would meet her there. Usually she would bend to Brittany's pleading that they go together, today was different. She knew what she had to do and she knew that it would be better for Brittany, and that's all she really cared about what was best for Brittany. She gulped as soon as she saw Britt who happily giggled along with Tina and Mercedes on the other side of the pool. She stared at her until Quinn interrupted her with a perfectly manicured hand. "Fabray."

"Lopez." They both cracked a smile and Quinn wrapped her arms around Santana. "Remember the summer before ninth grade after we met at cheerleading camp? We spent it here at Brittany's pool."

"Three hundred and sixty degrees," Santana sighed. "I hated you."

Quinn smiled lovingly. "I hated you so fucking much. You were the kind of girl who Lucy Caboosey quaked in fear of and the kind of girl she, I, always wanted to be."

"I thought you were perfect and Brittany would love you more than she loved me."

"The three of us kind of loved each other though didn't we? You, me, and Britt?"

"The Unholy Trinity."

"We should have just been nice to each other."

Santana shrugged, "High school sucks."

Quinn realized suddenly that Santana hadn't taken her eyes off of Brittany the entire time. "You and Britt ok?" Santana turned to her with a look that only Quinn could discern. Quinn whose basement Santana had spent so many Friday and Saturday nights, Quinn who knew her too well, Quinn who knew about her and Brittany before anyone else and for some reason never told anyone. "What's wrong Santana? Even though your parents are moving to Miami you can still come back. You'll stay with me or Britt, or anyone in Glee Club. Lima is your home."

"I don't belong here Q."

"High school."

"No, not high school, Lima and me we're not good for each other." Brittany looked up from her fit of giggles to see Quinn and Santana. She leapt up and started to happily skip toward them. "Bye Quinn. It's been… well it's been interesting. Thank you."

Before Quinn could reply Brittany had jumped onto the both of them happily. "I don't get why they call us the Unholy Trinity but I'm so glad we've been trinified again."

Santana ignored what the blonde said. "Brittany I have to go soon."

"But you just got here," Brittany whined playfully, her bottom lip sticking out seductively beckoning Santana.

"Can we talk?"

"But we're talking right now."

"No, alone."

"You mean the talking where our tongues are really close?" Brittany mock whispered with an evil grin as she elbowed Quinn.

"Please Britt can you just come with me?"

Brittany nodded. She knew when Santana was serious and she had that look that she had to say something and if she didn't she would deteriorate right there. Santana nodded at Quinn then followed Brittany into the kitchen. Brittany edged herself on the counter and took Santana's hand. "Is everything ok?"

"You're going to Los Angeles Brittany and I'm going to New York do you understand that?" Santana couldn't make eye contact with the blue eyes so she stared at the muted blue tiles on the kitchen floor, which were all together unimpressive in comparison.

Brittany tried to raise Santana's chin to look at her eyes but she shook her off. "But we'll see each other still cause we're dating and that's what people who are dating do."

"Los Angeles and New York are 2,462 miles apart from each other." She dropped Brittany's hand.

"So?"

"Do you know how long a mile is Britt?"

"Not exactly."

"That's a long way. Longer than going to New York from Lima. And you know my parents are moving to Miami to be closer to family because of my Abuela and I'm not in school here anymore and my dad can be a doctor anywhere and I'm not going to be in Lima."

"So?"

"I can't Brittany. I can't do it. I'm not strong enough and I'll hurt you again and I couldn't live with myself if I did that so it's better this way."

"What way?"

Was she really going to make her say the words? "I am breaking up with you, to protect you."

Brittany's face dropped in some weird sort of recognition. Santana recognized that her brain was working, then some sort of illogical realization came. "Do you have another girlfriend?"

"Of course not!"

"Well you did it to everyone else. You slept with Finn when he was in love with Rachel. You stole Sam from Quinn. You slept with Puck when Quinn was pregnant with his baby. You slept with me when I was with Artie. Why wouldn't you do it to me? I can't do a lot of math San but I can figure that out." The words came out meaner than anything Santana had ever heard from Brittany, they brimmed with anger and sadness. Santana wanted to reach out and gently touch her hand but she had to do this.

"I would never do that to you. I love you."

"People who love each other should be together."

"It's more complicated than that. I'm protecting you."

"What if I don't want to be protected?" She swung down from the counter and pressed her lips to Santana, softly then harder under Santana finally moved her hands up to cup her cheeks. They could both feel the tears between them before Santana pushed Brittany away.

"You'll find someone better for you. I promise. I've hurt you too much and I can't anymore. This is a new start for you and if I took any bit of that away I could never forgive myself. Goodbye Brittany." She whipped away, wiping her eyes.

She had to pass Brittany if she went out the front door so she starting walking quickly toward the back. As soon as she reached the back fence she heard Brittany yelling behind her. "But I love you Santana. Please, please don't leave, please don't leave." She repeated please and I love you again and again and it took everything in Santana not to turn around. As she drove away she could see Tina and Quinn holding a crumpled Brittany on the side of the road as she wailed. She heard one last please and then all she could hear was the sound of the engine.

~Winter 2016

Santana had crumpled into bed as soon as she walked through the door and three hours later her alarm went off far too soon. She groaned and slammed on the off button. She pulled some clothes on without looking at them. She used to make sure everything was immaculate but college had turned her completely driven. She didn't have time for things like perfect ponytails and ironed cheerleading uniforms. She knew she still looked great so it didn't really matter, no one to impress anyway.

Her suitemate and friend Mia sat in the kitchen typing on her computer but Santana only had eyes for the coffee. "Your girlfriend has been calling and texting your phone non fucking stop."

"She's not my girlfriend."

"Did you leave again right from her apartment without saying goodbye?"

"You know I don't like sleeping in other people's beds. There's something unnatural about it." She used to have no problem sleeping in Brittany's bed or the bed in Quinn's basement where Brittany and she would sleep folded together perfectly, now it felt like cheating that. "Anyway she's a bit crazy."

"Hence the phone blowing up?"

"Exactly, hence the phone blowing up. Kapow!" The phone started ringing and Santana groaned but at Mia's knowing annoyed expression she picked up. "Hello?"

Ava came at her straight spitting fire. If she didn't have the palest skin Santana had ever seen she would guess that there was some Latin flavour in the girl. "I wake up and you're not fucking there again. Are you kidding me?"

"Calm down Ava, I had class early. I was there until like six am but I had to go." The lies always flowed easily with Ava, probably because she believed them so easily.

"Really?"

"Of course. Why would I leave a pretty girl like you in bed if I didn't have something important to do? You looked so peaceful I didn't want to wake you."

"How are you going to make it up for me?"

"I personally don't think there's anything to make up."

"Ignoring that comment, come to this new club with me tonight. Envidia."

"Envy? Do they seriously think that's a good name for a club?"

"I think it's sexy. Be there by eleven?"

"I guess I'll come."

"You guess?"

"It'll be a surprise."

"I don't like surprises."

"Mia's calling me I need to go."

"Santana, I do not like surprises."

"I think you'll like this one."

She hung up the phone and downed her cup of coffee. "Smooth," Mia said without looking up from her computer.

"As tequila."

"That actress is opening Envidia, you know the one."

"Which one?"

"Oh you know the one she's here promoting some new movie I just saw it on the news, oh my god what's her name. She's really beautiful you know the one."

"Though you've given me a lot to go on Mia I'm not sure blonde beautiful and in a movie really gives me a lot." Mia slapped Santana playfully on the cheek. "Ayúdeme dios que estoy viviendo con un loco."

"Don't curse me in your Diablo language."

"Don't slap me with your Diablo hands."

"Go to class."

"Will you come to Envidia with me tonight?" Santana pouted dramatically, draping her arms around Mia.

"If you're good."

"I promise mom I'll be so good!"

Santana and Mia artfully made their way into the club their hands encircled. Mia was straight, but had no problem with Santana's lifestyle and the two had been friends since they were roommates freshmen year. They never linked their pinkies though always held hands.

Santana arrived in New York heartbroken, which Mia completely understood because of some idiot basketball player who decided that two girlfriends were better than one. Santana didn't tell her much about Brittany, not even her name, it hurt too much to say it. Just that she was a girl and she loved her, but they couldn't be together. Mia didn't know that Brittany was really Brittany Pierce the famous actress and dancer. It only made it harder seeing Brittany's name plastered on billboards and on the cover of magazines. In the end Santana was more proud of Brittany than hurt and it made what she had done seem worth it. Brittany had made it just like Santana always knew she would.

Out of the haze of people she thought she saw an all to familiar black Mohawk and when she saw the face that went with it she gasped. "Mia I'll be right back I think I'm about to have a blast from my straight past." She hadn't seen anyone from McKinley since that fateful day, but she seemed to forget this as she ran up to Puck and threw her arms around his muscular body. "Noah Fuckerman!"

"Santana Blowpez? You're kidding me right? It's no way it's you Santana Blowpez fell off the planet and she's floating in space somewhere." She punched him playfully. "But seriously where've you been?"

"Here," she moved in a circle, "the centre of the universe. And you?"

"I'm a bodyguard. I'm one of Brittany's bodyguards." Puck had known Santana well enough to recognize the terror in her face at the name. He lifted a finger up and pointed at the blonde who was dancing feverishly on the floor. Brittany was the famous actress opening the club. Santana turned around to see her. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't hear, she could hardly see anything except for the dancer. "Don't run away." She knew Puck was yelling over the music but it sounded more like a faint whisper to her.

Suddenly Brittany looked for Puck and instead saw Santana. Santana gulped as Brittany stopped dancing and simply stood with hundreds of bodies writhing around her. She slowly started walking towards Santana until they were inches away from each other. Then Brittany slapped her.


	2. Hi Britt

**Thank you so much for those who have added the story to their alerts and favourites, as well as those who have reviewed who I hope to all reply to. It might take a little while for this story to get going so bear with me please! If you would like to review I'd love to get opinions on the story structure, with the past moments, whether you feel like these add or detract from the story. Thank you so much!**

~Winter 2016

As soon as Brittany's palm left Santana's cheek her lips moved from fury to a circular shock. She placed each hand on either side of her cheeks and whipped away from Santana.

Santana was honestly glad that Brittany had slapped her. She wouldn't have been able to handle it if she had cried, or hugged her, or anything mildly kind. Her reaction was for the best.

Brittany continued to shake her head back and forth. At some point Puck arrived between them, whispering something in Brittany's ear as he looked at Santana. He placed an arm around Brittany and started walking toward the back of the club.

She couldn't move as she watched them walk away from her. So this was what Brittany had felt when she walked away from her. Like her skin was on fire while her insides were dripping with freezing icicles. She felt movement behind her and then a soft hand on her shoulder. "What the fuck was that?" Mia murmured into her ear. Santana put her head on Mia's shoulder and began to silently sob. "Shh… stop that, don't cry."

"San?" She lifted her head up to Puck standing there, an embarrassed expression on his face. "Britts is in the back and she'd like to see you."

When Santana couldn't find anywhere to wipe her dripping face Mia offered up a silk sleeve. "Come on, but you'll have to pay for the dry cleaning." Santana smiled softly as she wiped her eyes on the smooth material, leaving a trail of hot tears. "You're going to be ok right? Do you want me to come?"

"No, no, I'll just… I should go by myself. I'll call you if I leave."

Santana turned to join Puck, but was interrupted once again by Mia. "What about Ava?"

She shrugged. "What about her?" Puck looped an arm around Santana, who didn't realize how shaky she was until she folded into him. They walked through the throngs of people into a back hallway then a plain black door. He opened it for her than nodded her in. Brittany sat on an old dirty leather couch, her back to Santana. She turned at the sound of the door opening, leaving Santana motionless in the doorway until Puck nudged the door closed behind her. "Hi Britt."

~Fall 2009

"Hi Britt," Santana chimed as we walked into Quinn's basement. Brittany sat staring at something in her feet, barely acknowledging Santana. "What you got there Britt Britt?"

"Sheet music, gave it to me. It's not music though it's weird pictures."

"I've been trying to tell her they're notes for the past ten minutes, but she hasn't bitten," Quinn added from over her magazine.

"Brittany I'll teach you how to read music one day but not today. We have something to discuss." Santana stripped Quinn of her magazine and sat down next to her. "Molly told Susie that Sophia told Shane that Dean heard from Ellen that Jacob Ben Israel posted on his blog that Finn kissed the dwarf. I think you need to seal the deal Quinn. If she dates the quarterback of the football team instead of one of us it's honestly embarrassing for all of us. Finn may be a sorry excuse for a quarterback and we all know he's only got promoted because Riley Michaels broke his ankle, but he is the quarterback."

"And how'd he do that Santana? Not playing football," Quinn bit right back. Riley Michaels had broken his foot jumping out of Santana's bedroom two Thursdays ago when she pretended that her mom was coming up the stairs. Really it was just Brittany who she had told to come over to save her from his ever annoying football gossip. How was she supposed to know he had weak ankles? She had jumped from her window plenty of evenings. "Finn and I are happy together, just because guys only sleep with you because you're easy doesn't mean you have to rain on everyone else's parade." Quinn stormed back up the stairs.

Santana yelled after her, "You're already quoting Broadway Quinn what's next you'll sleep with the kid in the wheelchair?" Santana sat down and placed her head in her hands. She was supposed to be the queen of McKinley, but it was like the entire school knew that she had one thing that made her fundamentally different than Quinn, though she was pretty sure none of them suspected that it was her sexuality. She had ruled Lima Middle and then Quinn Fabray chassed into cheerleading camp with her peppy blonde hair and perfect back flip, Coach Sylvester fell for the act immediately. She felt Brittany join her on the bench then felt her soft hand on her back.

"I think Artie's cute for a robot."

"He's not a… he's not cute Brittany and he's paralyzed you know what that means?" Santana held up an erect index finger than dramatically deflated it. Brittany giggled then took Santana's hand in her own.

Quinn stormed back down. "I don't care if you come or not and I realize you guys are having one of your lesbo moments but Mac's here."

The Unholy Trinity piled into the back of Mac Carlisle's mother's minivan. Mac Carlisle being an extraordinarily boxy senior tight end on the football team whose only positive attributes came in the form of his mother's minivan and fake id. The car was already stuffed with slightly sweaty football players who passed a water bottle filled with vodka to the three girls, who expertly passed it around the three of them.

Weekends had gone like this since the beginning of freshmen year. Santana and Brittany would deposit their cheerleading bags in Quinn's basement before changing into clothes that somehow revealed more than their uniforms. Mac Carlisle, or Riley Michaels, or Danny Segal would park three houses down from Quinn's house at 9:45 and the three girls who were supposed to be watching a movie would easily sneak out the backdoor and into the various cars. Ten minutes or three swigs of alcohol later they would arrive at some football player's house where music would blare from the basement and cheerleaders and football players gyrated together in great masses. Quinn would immediately go to Finn, while Santana would instruct Brittany on who she was supposed to talk to tonight as she looked around at her own prospects.

Now that Riley had broken his ankle she needed to rethink her options. Mike Chang had absolutely beautiful arms, but she'd never really been attracted to the whole Asian sensation thing and Brittany had hooked up with him last weekend. Maybe Matt, no he was dancing with that slut Cassie. Before she had the option to look at the other side of the room she felt an arm snake around her waist. "So are you going to stop pretending to be mad at me and let me puck you?" Puck batted his eyelashes in a way that he must have thought seductive. He leaned down to kiss her on the cheek, but she put a hand up to block the contact, shaking her head back and forth. Brittany arrived from across the room; a couple more drinks in than Santana already. She took her hand and led Santana to the group of dancing bodies. "No invitation ladies? I'm hurt," Puck yelled after them.

They giggled and began their nightly routine. The guys who had cheerleaders gyrating on their crotches even looked up in anticipation as the two girls began dancing with each other. They moved perfectly to the beat, their bodies moulding and folding into each other. It was the only time when Santana let Brittany lead her. Santana could smell the alcohol on Brittany's breath. She knew what one drink smelt like and she knew what ten drinks smelt like, and Brittany seemed to have gone with the latter. She could tell in Brittany's movements too, she was being careless in the way she overtly danced against Santana. It was a dangerous game they played between tempting the boys and tempting each other, but Santana could usually avoid her feelings by making eye contact with her prey for the evening. Tonight though she couldn't concentrate so she broke the contact, fleeing to the closest bedroom, locking it behind her.

She breathed heavily, panting and dripping with a thick layer of sweat. A mixture that smelt so much like Brittany that she felt like plugging her nose. Usually she could escape from the feelings by blaming them on cheap vodka, but not tonight. No tonight she was sober. She heard knocking on the door. "San? It's me Britt. Why'd you run away? You ran fast I couldn't catch you." They used to play tag in Brittany's backyard, happily giggling after each other. Things were simpler back then. "I can't open the door San, something's wrong with it."

Santana walked over the door and opened it. "I locked it."

Brittany followed her to the couch. "Why'd you do that?"

"To hide."

"From Puck?"

"No."

She turned away from Brittany, biting her lip. "From you." She turned back to Brittany and this time couldn't control herself. She kissed Brittany hard and fast. They'd never kissed like this before.

"But San, you said we can only make out when there are boys around or if neither of us have had sex."

"I forgot."

"You must be really drunk then."

"Yeah I am. I'm really drunk."

"I like kissing you Santana," Brittany said before laying her head on Santana's shoulder. She almost immediately fell into a blissful drunken sleep. Santana stroked her hair lightly as she bit back tears.

~Winter 2016

"I didn't mean to slap you. I don't know why I did that."

"I'm glad you did." She didn't tell her why. She didn't want her to know that for almost four years she hadn't felt anything. She tried to going from one girls bed to the next, but nothing. "Is it ok if I sit down?"

Brittany didn't reply, but for the first time looked up at her. "Where'd you go? You said you weren't going to come back to Lima, but you didn't talk to anyone, not Quinn or Puck. I thought you died, but I knew I'd know, even if I didn't find out from someone I would know if you died."

"I told you where I was. I've been here the whole time."

"There are eight million eight thousand and two hundred and seventy eight people, roughly, living in New York City."

"You've read up on your facts."

"Remember when I found out Santa wasn't real and Rory wasn't a leprechaun, I believed those things. But I never believed them like I believed that I'd never see you again."

"Here I am and here you are and look how great you're doing, without me."

"No not without you, because of you. If I got famous I thought you wouldn't be able to avoid me, that you wouldn't be able to stay away, but you did."

"It was for the best."

"This is too much right now. I have to be up early and I should go back to my hotel."

"Can I give you my number? You don't have to call, but you can anytime."

Brittany paused and Santana saw high school Brittany again, the innocent Brittany who believed in Santa and loved her unconditionally. "Ok."

"Yeah?"

Brittany nodded. "Yeah."


	3. I Don't Want to See Her

**Thank you so much for everyone who has read this story so far. I'd love some reviews to see if people are continuing to enjoy it and on that note I hope you enjoy this chapter. I've been able to write a lot recently because of school holiday, but I hope once I go back to school I'll still be able to update quickly. **

~Winter 2016

Santana shook off her coat, leaving it on the ground, while she slowly closed the door to her apartment. Like clockwork Mia popped up from the couch, wiping tired eyes and letting out a massive yawn. "Where've you been then?" She asked suggestively.

"Just walking around." Mia raised an eyebrow at her. "Seriously I was just walking and thinking." Santana fell into the chair across from Mia. She pulled her knees up to her chest and sighed.

"So I'm assuming you know Brittany Pierce or did you just fuck her and leave her once?"

"Don't talk about her like that." Mia and Santana always spoke to each other about their conquests in a demeaning way, both had extremely unreachable expectations. Mia didn't expect Santana to become so protective of anyone, least of all Brittany Pierce. They had talked about her before. Mia had a poster from one of her movies in her bedroom because she liked the male lead's abs. "Brittany was my first love, my only love. I left her so she could be famous like she was meant to be. I did it for her. I would have held her back like I always did. She's too naïve she believes people are instinctually good."

"And why can't they be?"

"Because they're not! She is the only person in this world whoever really loved me. My mom my dad they loved me because they had to, but Brittany chose to love me even though I put her through so much shit and made her do stuff that she didn't want to. She just wanted to be together and for so long I hid how I felt about her. So I did it so she wouldn't have to hide it."

"There are lots of out celebrities."

"Brittany isn't gay, she's not even bi, she just falls in love with people. It's better for her to be with a guy."

"Shouldn't that have been her decision?" Santana closed her eyes tightly, tears leaking out of the corners. Mia's phone started ringing. "It's Ava… Again. I saw her last night and told her you were feeling sick and you had just left and she wants to come over and see you."

"I don't want to see her."

~Fall 2009

"I don't wants to see her Brittany. If Quinn dares to even come near me I won'ts be able to control Snix." Brittany sat in the back of the choir room watching Santana pace crazily back and forth with a relatively terrified look on her face. The only other time she'd seen Santana this angry was when Puck had tried to sleep with Brittany right next to her. "She sleeps with my man and thinks she's going to get away it. Nope no fucking way. You know what happens, karma. Maybe her little Finn Hudson will have to find out that his best friend and best girl have been best fuck buddies."

Quinn sauntered in, her hips moving back and forth in perfect time with her feet. She placed her Cheerios bag on the floor. "What's got your panties in a twist? Puckerman isn't around so I know it's not him."

"Seems I don't have the only panties Puckermans been touching."

"Brittany I told you not to tell anyone!"

"I find secrets confusing."

Santana smiled gently at Brittany. "Even if Brittany didn't confirm what I already knew I found my bra that you borrowed at his house."

"You can have him. I don't even want to be with Puck it was mistake." She whispered something under her breath then absent mindlessly touched her stomach.

Brittany gasped and Santana and Quinn whipped around to look at her. "Puck got Quinn pregnant! Finnocence never ever had sex with her, she wouldn't even let him go under her shirt. He told me when he tried to go under mine last week when he was drunk and I was dressed up like the reindeer on Rachel Berry's favourite sweater." Sometimes Brittany was so intelligent that it stunned Santana. It made her ability to breath dissipate. Everyone thought B was stupid but she wasn't her brain had always worked differently like a perfect machine. She let people think she was stupid because it took too much effort to explain to them that she was in fact a thousand times more intelligent than them. "She doesn't want us to know because she thinks we'll tell the whole school." Santana also faintly suspected that Brittany could read minds. She had this sixth sense about what people were thinking and it killed Santana that around Brittany she couldn't hide anything. At the same time the vulnerability made her all the more attracted to her.

Quinn clapped a manicured hand to her mouth as she continued to touch her stomach. "Please don't tell anyone Santana." It sometimes hurt that Quinn trusted Brittany so much more than her, but she did hate Quinn. In that way that high school girls hate each other because the only thing that seemed to matter was popularity and which boys wanted in their pants, whether they allowed them in or not. The one factor that Quinn never accounted for was Brittany, how much Santana lov… cared for her.

"Let me explain something to you Fabray I'm not going to tell anyone," A look of relief washed over Quinn's face. "But not because we're friends, because let's be honest you and I don't trust each other. No I'm going to do this for Puck. It would frankly be embarrassing for me if people found out that my man slept with you and he's not ready to be a dad, we still have a lot of things to do together." Quinn didn't smile; she didn't even react. "You can leave now." Quinn picked her bag up and with a sigh that was somewhere between relief and frustration she left Brittany and Santana alone. As soon as she was out of earshot Santana put her head in her hands and began to weep. Brittany climbed down so that she was next to Santana. She tried to get Santana to look at her by brushing her hair behind her ears and nuzzling lightly into her neck. "No one will ever love me."

"I love you." It came out of Brittany so easily, because it was guttural. Brittany loved Santana it was a fact she could never say she didn't.

"It's not the same Britt I mean that boy girl love where Finn can ignore all the times that Quinn and Puck have eye sex in glee. That's love, that his judgement is so clouded by love that he doesn't even notice that someone else would dare touch his girl. It'll never be like that with me and Puck."

"I don't think it can just be boy girl. Some girls love girls and Kurt loves boys. And I love you."

"Brittany…" she murmured, encircling her hand in hers. "Sex isn't dating. We're not dating."

"Do you have to date to be in love?"

"Yes. You love me like a friend, we're friends who sleep together when boys aren't around or we do it for boys."

Brittany was smart, smart enough to see when Santana would not give in on this point. Not yet at least. So she placed her arms around a still leaking Santana and kissed her gently on the forehead. "Ok Santana. You're my best friend though."

"Forever? You'll never leave me. You promise?"

"Forever."

~Winter 2016

"Well she's coming up now so this seems to have strayed into the territory of unavoidable. You look like shit anyway so maybe she'll believe you are sick. I'd suggest not being in that dress though." Her eyes moved up and down Santana, not in a sexual way or in a judgemental way. In a you better get the fuck out that dress before that crazy girl you're having sex with sees you in full makeup and slutty club wear kind of way.

Santana tripped into her bathroom, stripping her clothes off and pulling the first t-shirt she could find out of her drawer. She sprayed water over her face and let her bed envelop her, doing her best sleeping impression. She heard Ava's stilettos before she actually heard her voice. "Where is she?" Mia didn't reply but she heard Ava getting closer and closer then she felt cold skin against her warm. It was the wrong skin though; it was clammy immediately from the sudden warmth of Santana's body and the comforter. "I missed you," Ava purred into her ear as she started to push Santana's shirt up.

"I'm sick Ava. I don't exactly feel like having you paw at me." Ava didn't recoil she simply rested her hand on Santana's abdomen awkwardly. Santana moved closer to the wall so that Ava's hand slunk off of her. "I don't know what you expected by coming here. Mia told you I was sick."

"But you felt good enough to let some girl slap you in the middle of the club and then run after her with some mohawked buffoon supporting you? I have friends Santana, they saw you and it's embarrassing when my girlfriend doesn't tell me that she's actually going to the club to see other girls that she fucks when I'm not available."

Santana jolted up. "I never said you were my girlfriend." Ava's face went from fury to mortification as soon as the words left Santana's mouth. Santana almost felt bad about it, almost. "Sex isn't dating unless you say it is and I never heard you say it was and I certainly didn't." Santana sat against the cool wall for the first time she looked down to see her shirt. McKinley Cheerios, how fucking appropriate. She hadn't thought about wearing the shirt for almost four years, yet she never had the heart to throw it out.

Ava joined her against the wall. "We've been sleeping together since the summer."

"Sleeping together," she repeated.

"You mean something to me."

"Obviously or you wouldn't freak out every time I don't answer your texts within an hour."

"Is there someone else?" There had always been someone else. There would always be someone else. "That girl at the club?"

"I don't want a girlfriend."

"I want to be your girlfriend."

"It seems we've reached an impasse then."

"Maybe I should go."

"That probably be for the best. I don't want to hurt you anymore."

Ava crawled in front of Santana so that their lips were inches from each other. "You've not hurt me Santana, oh quite the contrary you've given me motivation. I'm going to prove to you I should be your girlfriend. I'm going to make you want me so fucking much that you'll never even think about Brittany Pierce again." Hearing her name from Ava's perfectly puckered lips sounded like a swear word. She placed her stilettos back on then skipped out of Santana's room, leaving her with her head in her hands yet again.

Her phone started ringing and she thought about throwing it against the wall if it was Ava then saw an unfamiliar number, an Ohio number. "Hello?"

She heard shallow breathing that sounded as if it was happening between sobs. Then after a few moments, "Hi," Brittany whimpered from the other side.


	4. I Heard About Last Night

**So I am trying something new in this chapter where I bring Brittany's POV into this. Her POV is in italics while Santana's remains in regular. Let me know what you think about it and whether it adds or detracts to the story in any way. As always any type of review is greatly welcomed. Thanks for reading!**

"Britt?" She knew it was. All she needed was a breath to know. That's what it was with Brittany, she knew her like well she knew herself. That's how it worked.

She could tell Brittany was biting her bottom lip, the way her breathing hitched every few seconds. "I think… Can you meet me somewhere? I think I want to see you. Can you come somewhere?"

"Where?"

"I have a photo shoot later. Come at two." Then she hung up without anything, simply a breath and then gone.

_Brittany lay back on her bed and pulled her knees to her chest, the phone still resting on her ear. Even if she wanted to cry she couldn't. At some point she gave up crying over Santana. In the end she'd realized she never really lived without Santana, only those few months where she pretended that Artie meant more to her. It never was true though. And for many of those months she still found herself climbing up those mahogany stairs and into the darkness of Santana. Then those months were over and Santana was out and they were together and then those months were over and Santana was gone. Just gone. Her phone was disconnected, her e-mail disappeared, and of course the bedroom that she spent so many hours in was desolate, the house too. She applauded Santana's conviction in completely cutting her from her life. _

_ She hadn't known what to do when she saw her again. Whenever she went out Puck made sure she didn't drink so much so she knew it wasn't the alcohol that made her veins pulse that way. No, there was only one person in the world who could do that and there she was, standing there with her palms slightly up and her face staring at her. It looked like she loved her. But the words of her friends reverberated in her head: you can't leave someone you love. She didn't know if that was right, but she knew that she would never leave Santana. It was hard enough when she dated Artie. _

_ Not that she hadn't dated other guys or girls, mostly guys though for some reason. There had been the boyfriend here and there, the man to put on her arm when she was forced to step onto the uncomfortable red carpets and sit at obnoxiously large tables talking to other celebrities who had nothing interesting to talk about other than themselves. It was those times that she missed Santana most she thought. Santana always knew how to calm her nerves with a look, a touch, a word, anything. All she needed was her. She had needed her and Santana thought that she didn't. Well maybe time would make her bolder because she certainly was getting older. _

_ As she turned onto her back her phone began to ring. She rolled her eyes and answered. "Yeah?"_

_ "I heard about last night."_

~Fall 2009

_ "I heard about last night," Santana almost whispered as she dropped herself into a chair next to Brittany. Sometimes Santana got angry when she made out with people and she knew she shouldn't have slept with Matt, but she kind of wanted to. That way he was really nice to her and danced with her at the party when Santana draped herself over Puck. She didn't get it, she'd slept with Puck, it wasn't that great. It wasn't like when they slept together. But that wasn't the same because they were girls and anyway sex wasn't dating that's what San told her so it must be true because she'd never lie to her. "Say something," she said taking a sip from her Cheerio bottle. _

"_I made out with Ashley last night."_

Santana nearly spit out the water that was in her mouth. She could handle the guys. It wouldn't be fair to Brittany if she didn't let her sleep with other guys, but a girl. This hadn't happened before she only wanted to talk about Matt with her. Matt didn't even matter as a football player; he was a second rate player on a lowest of the low rate teams. Ashley on the other hand was an attractive cheerleader on a top rate team. She wanted to talk about Matt. And then Brittany made out with a girl. She had a pit in her stomach and her chest and her head ached and she felt like she was going to vomit.

_"Are you ok San?" Santana looked green as Brittany worriedly placed her hand on her shoulder, which Santana nervously shook off. She'd never shook her off like that. Whenever Brittany touched her she usually folded into it responding at least with a pinkie link but this time she seemed to be trying to get as far from her as possible, even inching away in her chair. "Are you mad at me? For Matt?"_

_ "You can do whatever you want. I'm not your mother," Santana snapped._

_ Brittany gulped. She'd never been at the receiving end of one of Santana's verbal insults and she didn't exactly want to be right now. People didn't give her much credit, but she could connect things together. She'd slept with Matt before and Santana hadn't gotten angry so this had something to do with something else. Or someone else. "You're mad about Ashley. I only kissed her because I wanted to see if it felt the same with all girls." That was true. She liked when Santana kissed her, she liked it a lot more than she did when any of the other boys kissed her and she wanted to see if she liked when all girls kissed her. It was a mathematical experiment. "It didn't. I like it best when you give me sweet lady kisses. Not all ladies kiss sweetly like you." Brittany looked down at Santana's hand, which was temping her at the edge of her chair. She moved her pinkie and linked it into San's. Santana smiled softly as she stared down at their hands. "Are you still mad?"_

Santana leaned her head into Brittany's neck, inhaling all that Brittany: the bubble-gum, the watermelon children's shampoo, sweat from Cheerio practice, and that undeniable scent of herself on her. She bit her lip before pulling away. "Can I stay mad at you?"

"Never, I'm far too eggmactic."

"You mean enigmatic Britt."

"Did I?"

"Yeah."

"That's why you're my best friend forever. We'll never ever leave each other."

"Yeah." Santana looked out the window to see Rachel Berry happily walking with Finn. She should have that. She was supposed to be happy.

~Winter 2016

Santana climbed out of bed too close to 2:00, mumbling a healthy number of expletives as she pulled clothes on. She was jumping into a pair of boots as she moved into the kitchen to find Mia folding laundry. "Where are you off to?"

"Meeting Brittany." She tried to play it off like it wasn't anything by pouring herself a glass of water. Mia knew her well enough not to make a big deal about it and she continued to focus on the pair of underwear she was folding. Santana grabbed them from her. "Are you folding my delicates?"

"Someone has to."

"We're kind of an old married couple aren't we?"

"Since old married couples don't have sex and we don't have sex I'd say that's accurate."

"Do you want to have sex?" Santana purred jokingly into Mia's ear.

"Sorry Santana you may have a body to die for but the thing in between your thighs doesn't get me going."

"Whatever." Santana tossed the underwear back on the counter, interrupting Mia's current folding.

Mia sighed at Santana's obvious plea for attention. "First you make it seem like you don't want to talk about Brittany and now you're throwing lacy panties at me. What do you want?"

"I want you to tell me if I look good." She took a step back so that her body was fully in the light then struck a overly seductive pose.

Mia took a quick look then smiled as she returned to her laundry. "You always look great. You're positively glowing."

"I don't need to look good. I need to look panty droppingly gorgeous."

"That's more Ava's territory not mine."

"Don't be a spoil sport."

"What am I spoiling? A relationship that you've never told me anything about but means enough for you to cry alone in your bed last night. The walls are thin."

"I… Brittany… she's you know she's that one."

"Yeah. I know. But that one usually comes with that broken heart and I don't want to deal with that. Usually I have to deal with the girls whose heart you break. I don't think I'm ready for a broken Santana."

"Santana Lopez doesn't break."

"We'll see."

"Wish me luck mija."

"Good luck Satan."

"You love me."

"I love you."

Santana dropped her arms to her sides then skipped out the door leaving Mia shaking her head happily.

The address opened into an incredibly large studio apartment filled to the brim with busy people. "Name?" A burly man with too many tattoos held a list in front of Santana, barring her from the entrance.

"Um… Santana Lopez, I'm a friend of Brittany's."

A perky red head appeared from behind him. "Santana Lopez? It's so great to meet you. I'm one of Miss Pierce's assistants, Amber. She said if you came to bring you right to her." Right to her now that felt good. Brittany wanted to see her right away. It was mutual then. She had to rush to keep up with peppy la Amber who weaved her way through the rushing people expertly. "You and Miss Pierce went to high school together correct?"

"Yeah we were on the cheerleading team together… and glee club."

"You were on the New Directions? Oh my goodness how fantastic. I've met a bunch of your friends then. Noah, Quinn, Kurt, Mercedes, Tina, Rachel, Mike, and Artie of course." Of course? Why would Artie have been an of course? Her heart had that all to familiar in it when she heard Artie's name combined with Brittany's. "Artie wants Brittany to be in his first feature but she's not sure. I mean she's gotten him a good shot in the business but its risky for her career. Even though I think he's a great director I understand her concerns."

The way this chick was talking made it seem as if Artie was just her sort of guy. "Are you and Artie together?"

The redhead blushed deeper than her hair. "No no of course not. That would be weird he's one of Miss Pierce's best friends and they dated in high school, but you probably know that."

"I certainly do."

Then she saw Brittany. Her back was to them as a makeup artist circled her with a pouty lip and a tube of mascara. Brittany laughed at something the woman sitting next to her said, leaning her head back. Her whole body laughed when she did, like she was dancing. It was beautiful and Santana gulped.

_When Brittany leaned her head back she saw Amber bantering at Santana who was frozen staring at her. She started to blush. "Look how red your cheeks are Brittany and I haven't even put the rouge on yet. Have you been drinking?" Laura her makeup artist joked with her. _

_ Santana walked slowly up to her and gave her a little smile. "You came."_

_ "Of course I did Britt. You asked me to." She asked her to stay with her that day and that hadn't mattered. _

_ "Can you give us a second?" She asked the people flanking her who disappeared almost immediately. "You can sit down," she said, motioning to the chair next to her. _

_ Santana pulled it close to Brittany so that their knees almost touched. "So you said you thought you wanted to see me."_

_ "Did I?" Brittany couldn't look at her, instead staring down at her newly polished fingers, cursing herself for being unable to chew on her thumbnail._

_ "Yup." They both now were awkwardly looking at Brittany's hands. "I don't know what I'm supposed to say." Brittany turned her head further away from Santana. The desperation in Santana's voice made her want to simply reach out and touch her. She bit back the tears. _

_ They both heard the first few chords. Brittany knew her assistant loved Fleetwood Mac and she had strictly made a playlist that omitted Songbird and Landslide but she had forgotten her ipod that day so one of them must have been playing theirs. Brittany turned toward Santana who smiled at her as the first few words of Landslide began to play. Brittany didn't know whether she was going to start weeping or smiling brilliantly. Before she could decide she stood abruptly up. "I can't do this. You should go." And with that she left Santana sitting in the chair, now looking at her own hands. It wasn't fair Santana had started it all. Santana had kissed her first and Santana had done everything and Santana had broken up with her and now Santana was making her remember how much she loved her and now Santana was making her cry and it was all about Santana. _


	5. You Ready?

**I am really sorry that it takes me so long to add on to these chapters and that they're not very long, but school has been crazy and I've had mono and it's all been a rush but hopefully this is up to your expectations. Whether it is or it isn't please leave a review to let me know. As a reminder Italics is Brittany's POV.**

Winter 2016

Santana sighed and leaned back in the chair as she watched Brittany's receding form. She didn't acknowledge the person who replaced her in the chair next to her until Puck cleared his throat. "It's not all unicorns anymore is it?"

"Fuck you," she said with a slight smile on her face.

"You used to love to do that."

"My faux orgasm is flawless."

"Or maybe you pretended I was Brittany…"

She interrupted him, "Stop."

"Just tell her what you're thinking."

"You don't know how stubborn she can be."

"I do. San, I'm really happy that you're back and I hope we can be friends, but I want to tell you something before anything else happens. Britt's not exactly been celibate since you've been gone."

"What are you trying to tell me?"

"After you left it was pretty hard for her, I mean really hard. She kind of just shut down and wouldn't talk to anyone. Then she slept with Artie," Santana felt that all too familiar feeling in her stomach when she heard the spindly boy's name. "I don't really know why she did it, but then she kept on doing it. I guess they sort of dated. I don't think he ever actually got over her and I assume he thought you'd fuck it up, which you did. She came to LA and they don't date, but I know from time to time when she's lonely…"

Santana gripped the sides of her chair roughly. "And why are you telling me this?"

He shrugged, as he made flirty eyes at the makeup artist who had joined them. "In the end Lopez it seems as if I kind of love you. Totally not in that way, but in the way that I don't know I can't see you get hurt. Even though you hurt her a lot, which I don't condone." He popped up and began flirting obviously with the woman. Santana was used to Puck's flirting, being at the receiving end of most of it her first couple of years of womanhood.

Santana stared over at Brittany who danced for the camera with an attractive male cast mate watching her appreciatively. The director yelled cut and threw Brittany a bottle of water before she started walking back toward Santana. Santana sighed and stood up at Brittany's return. "I want to talk to you."

"I don't think you should be here."

"So how soon after you left my bed did you go into Artie's?"

"I… did Puck tell you?"

"At least I know there's some loyalty still in the world."

"I'm sure you're not innocent in this whole game. How many people have you fucked on the same sheets I came crawling into after?" The venom coming out of Brittany's mouth stung, she had grown up and Santana had missed it and that hurt more than her words.

"Artie's different. I was never in a relationship with anyone else when we were together."

"Puck, Sam, Karofsky…"

"I fucked Puck and you knew that's all it was. I was with Sam to get at Quinn. It was always you that I was actually with and you know it. I just couldn't come out. And I only ever dated David for you."

"David? Oh are you and David still buddies?"

"We talk."

"Are you kidding me?"

"No he's my friend."

"We're soulmates and you disconnected me from your life!"

_After she said that word she wished she hadn't. She had been doing so well, fighting with Santana was never the easiest for her. Santana always knew what to say while she usually ended up mumbling. They didn't even fight that often it was more of disagreements and never when they were actually together. She gulped as the word just sat there between them, neither of them wanting to acknowledge it. _

"_You ready?"_

Winter 2009

"You ready?" Puck asked reaching his hand out to Santana.

Santana tried to ignore Brittany's apprehensive look, hoping that she'd ignore the hand. They had talked about it only days ago, that Santana should stop sleeping with him now that they knew he loved Quinn. There was something about him though. Probably the fact that neither of them cared really. They were perfect in that way. They didn't need each other. She needed Brittany though and that apprehensive look that she was trying to hide was too much. "Why don't you go stick it up that girl you got pregnant? Try to not hit the baby." He seemed unaffected by her biting words, as usual, and simply shrugged her off joining Matt in the hallway. She wished he cared more. She wished they could care for each other like Brittany and she did, cause that would be normal. "So what do you want to do tonight Britt-Britt?"

"Why'd you do that?"

_Santana didn't look at her as she pulled her bag over her shoulder. "Do what?" Brittany cocked her head sideways watching Santana grow more and more anxious. _

"_It's like you were televisionpathic."_

"_Telepathic?" _

_Brittany liked that Santana smiled a tiny bit at her joke. She knew it was telepathic, but Santana always softened when she got something like that wrong. Hopefully she found it endearing or adorable or something. "I was saying in my head I didn't want you to go with him and then you didn't. You're telepathic."_

_Santana offered Brittany her pinky. "I need a good cuddle tonight and you're my girl." Brittany smiled so hard that she hoped that she didn't look like an idiot. She didn't want to make Santana uncomfortable. Every little time she acted like they were more than friends Santana would retract and she couldn't deal with Santana running after Puck tonight. She let Santana pull her up by the hand. "What do you wanna watch tonight Britt? Sweet Valley High?"_

"_Whatever you want San I'm happy if you are."_

"_As long as I'm with you B I'm happy."_

_Brittany beamed. "Really?"_

"_Of course B we are best friends."_

_Something felt off about that, best friends. She knew sex wasn't dating, even though she loved having sex with Santana, but sometimes she wanted Santana to stop pretending that what they did all best friends did. She was pretty sure that Santana didn't have sex with Quinn and that Mercedes didn't have sex with Kurt, even though there was that time that she wanted to. Maybe all best friends did want to have sex with each other but Santana and she were lucky because they both wanted to have sex with each other. "San?" She nodded in reply as she texted something on her phone. "Do all best friends have sex?"_

Santana nearly dropped the sext she was sending to Puck, she had to keep her man somehow, at Brittany's question. She floundered a bit before delicately turning Brittany toward her. "We're special B, you and me, that's why we don't tell people."

"So all best friends don't have sex?"

"No, they don't."

"I like being special with you."

"Me too B." She felt guilty, not because of the sexts she was sending Puck. No, Puck didn't really matter in the long run he was there to protect her status which in turn helped her protect Brittany from all the people who would make fun of her. She felt guilty because she felt like she was lying to Brittany and she didn't want to do that. No, she lov… she needed Brittany and if she lied to her too much she knew one day she might lose her and that thought alone made her bite her lips to keep the tears away.

Winter 2016

Santana heard the word soul mates come out of Brittany's mouth, but it took her a moment to process it. Brittany threw her hand over her mouth and her eyes went between shock and embarrassment and hurt in a matter of seconds. Santana reached out to her, delicately placing three of her fingers on Britt's arm. "B… I… I wish we could start again."

"Well we can't." Brittany bit her lip, which made Santana smile even though she tried very hard not to, it was too cute. "Why are you smiling? Is there something funny about this?"

"No, no of course not. You're biting your lip and I always thought it was adorable."

"I don't think you're allowed to call me adorable."

"Why not B?"

"Because it hurts too much and you should probably call me Brittany."

"Why don't I call you Miss Pierce? Would that be more appropriate?

"Can't you respect that it hurts too much for you to be here?"

"I don't want to hurt you. That's the opposite of what I wanted."

"Too late." They stood there with Santana slowly removing her hand from Brittany's arm. Her fingers burned where the touch was. "Is this payback?"

"For what?"

"For Artie," she whispered it, but Santana could still hear it.

"Do you still love him?"

"No, I never loved him like I love you. I don't think I ever even loved him."

"Then why'd you do it?"

"What?"

"Choose him over me."

"Is that why you left? Were you scared I'd do that again to you?"

"I knew you'd find someone better. I knew I wasn't good for you more than anyone else."

"Santana," Santana felt Brittany raise her chin so that their eyes were connected. "I only did that because I was so scared that you'd be too scared to be with me. I couldn't deal with that because I loved you more than I ever loved anyone. I told you that then and I'm repeating it now."

"Then why'd you go back to him? To spite me?"

"Yeah, I guess. Probably I don't know."

"You were right. I should have left. This is too much right now. I'll call you, ok?"

"Ok."


	6. I'll See You Later

**a/n: I'm sorry to the people have been consistently so great about reading this, but good news is I've finished exams so this should be updated a lot more often now. Thank you for reading and if you enjoy, or if you don't please review and let me know. It really does actually help. **

Santana awoke to an increasingly loud banging on her door. Finally she pulled herself out and walked toward the door, wincing at the loud bangs. Her previous day with Brittany had caused her to get a little drunker than she wanted.

She had to say that probably the one person she could be surprised at seeing was on the other side of the door. Quinn Fabray, her number one frenemy. She breezed passed Santana, throwing her suitcase on the ground before whipping around to look at Santana. "So what the fuck?" Santana walked into the kitchen, finding a nice note and a still warm pot of coffee from Mia, at least someone was probably on her side.

She began pouring herself a cup of coffee before looking up at Quinn. "Do you want a cup?"

"Really Santana?"

"Really what Quinn?" It was easy to fall back into their venomous sophomore days.

"Do you realize what your presence is doing to Brittany?"

"I didn't mean to run into her Quinn, things just happened and I'm not happy about it either by the way. I'm the one who cut her out of my life to protect her, not the other way around. I'd say the whole running into her really screws up my master plan."

"And what was that? For you to never see Brittany or any of us again?"

"That's about right."

She heard keys in the door then Mia's bright cheery face with groceries. Mia didn't notice Quinn behind her bags until joining Santana near the refrigerator. "Another blonde ex lover?"

"Nah only some girl I went to high school went."

"Ahh… Hi I'm Mia, Santana's roommate."

Never one to be impolite Quinn took her hand. "Quinn and though Santana would like to pretend we weren't we were friends in high school."

"When she wasn't to busy screwing my boyfriend behind my back."

"You're gay!"

"It doesn't make the treachery hurt any less." Santana wanted Quinn to see that she was mocking her. What right did Quinn have to walk into her apartment and start lecturing her about Brittany? She didn't know how her brain worked; she hardly even understood how Brittany's brain worked. Only she did. "Why are you here anyway?"

"I came to invite you to dinner. A bunch of glee is in town for Rachel's show and we're all going to go to this restaurant together and I wanted you to come."

"Why?"

"Because what you did didn't just hurt Brittany. We were your friends Santana and you disappeared."

"Everyone knew where I was going to university. Any of you could have figured out where I was if you tried hard enough."

"I did, I mean I knew, but we decided as a group not to for Brittany. Because we love her more than you obviously did and wanted to protect her from you hurting her ever again."

Santana moved toward Quinn slowly placing her finger close to Quinn's face. "You don't know anything and Brittany and me." She turned around, fuming with anger and returned to her room before crumpling against the door, hot tears returning from the night before.

She could hear movement outside the door and Mia's soft tone. "She's actually turned down the bitchiness in the past couple of years, if you can believe it."

"Yeah, well, I come back and it's back to high school."

"It was hard for her when she first got to school, really hard. Comparing that Santana and the Santana I know now I can tell the difference, it's tangible, almost painfully so. She was half a person then, a shell. You could tell she had been through this massive trauma, as if a family member had died or something. Whatever she did seems to be bad, but you should all know that it hurt her, incredibly so. I know how Santana can be and she can be hard to love sometimes. Trust me I've lived with her for three and a half years. I know. But if you know her only a fraction as much as I do you know how fiercely loyal she is, how calculative, how she plans everything to miniscule detail. She would never do anything if she didn't think it was right. So maybe it wasn't right but she did think it was. All I am trying to say is you should try to see it from her point of view. Just try, for her." For how much they joked with each other Santana knew in the end that Mia and she would have each other's backs no matter what. This soliloquy was merely proof of that.

There was quiet on the other side of the door for a moment. "You're good for her, a hundred times better than I ever was. It was always easier to trust Brittany."

"Trust her or not I agree with you that she should go to the dinner. There's a part of her missing and she mind as well try to find it."

"You should come."

"Yeah?"

"I think that be good for her, to have someone she trusts there. She never totally trusted anyone in glee club, except for Brittany of course."

"Alright, I'll make sure she's there."

"Thanks, for all of that. I'm too quick to judge Santana, a left over defence mechanism."

"I'll see you later tonight."

Winter 2010

"I'll see you later tonight ok Britt?" Brittany was lying under the covers pretending to sleep, Santana could always tell. Her breathing was different when she was actually sleeping, slow and steady and Santana could match her heartbeat to it. But this breathing was hitched and worried sounding. Santana touched Brittany's forehead. "Maybe I won't go."

"Don't worry about me San, it's just sex isn't it?" Things had been different since the sex isn't dating debacle. It seemed as if it had gone off without much of a notice or comment by any of the losers, and they had avoided the topic, but their touches had been a little shorter and a little less sexual and Santana missed them. She missed being close to Brittany. And then Britt suggested to her that she should sleep with Finn even after their whole date mistake. Sometimes Brittany did the oddest things.

So there she was going to take Finn Hudson's virginity. It shouldn't be that disgusting of a proposition.

_Brittany tried to not seem sad about the whole thing. She didn't even know why it was making her so sad. When Santana talked to her at her locker she wanted to impress Santana with her ideas. She always wanted to impress Santana. She never thought that she'd actually sleep with Finn. She knew Santana hadn't slept with Puck in a couple of weeks and it was almost like they were dating for a while. Then stupidly she had announced it on that phone call. It had slipped out, sometimes her brain went faster than her mouth and everything came out in a gurgle. Usually Santana could save it, but this time, no this time she stopped and just looked at her. They hadn't talked about it and Brittany wanted to. Santana made it very clear that they weren't going to. _

_Santana stood up and flattened her outfit. "So how do I look?"_

"_Really pretty San, you always do." She tried to sound as happy as possible but even she could tell how hollow her voice sounded. _

"_Ok I'm going to go now B. Are you sure you're ok?"_

"_Yeah I'm tired from Cheerios. I'll probably go to sleep so if you don't want to you don't have to come over after."_

"_Do you not want me to come over?"_

"_No no you can do whatever you want. I don't want you to think you have to though."_

_Santana sat back down next to Brittany. "I always want to see you B, ok?"_

"_Yeah, I know."_

"_You're my best friend."_

"_Me too."_

_Santana kissed her gently on the forehead. Brittany leaned up at the last moment and kissed Santana on the lips, emitting a gasp then a moan from Santana. Finally Santana pulled away. "I have to go." _

_Brittany curled up and cried. Why couldn't Santana love her? There were just too many stupid boys. _

After Finn dropped her at her car with an awkward peck on her forehead she crept into the backseat where Brittany had left her sweatshirt. She pulled it over her head and pulled in the smell of her. Only then did she let herself cry. Soft sobs echoed through the car, which soon turned into hiccups. Finn was right; it hadn't meant anything. It never meant anything except with Brittany. She couldn't be in love with Brittany and she sure as hell couldn't be gay. She wouldn't accept it and more importantly her family wouldn't accept it. She needed to stop sleeping with Brittany. They could just be regular best friends, that be for the best. Brittany wasn't gay anyway. She even told her she enjoyed having sex with guys. Santana never had, so Brittany couldn't be gay. It'd be better for her to be with a guy. She'd stop.

She made her way over to Brittany's house. She used the key Brittany had given her for her thirteenth birthday because she was worried that Santana would fall out of the tree when she climbed up it. She should probably leave the key with Brittany, accidentally of course, somewhere B would never find it so she could pretend she lost it.

She climbed up the stairs seeing Brittany curled up hugging something. She pulled her clothes off so she stood in her bra and underwear in front of the mirror. A dark hickey smudged near her left breast and she scratched at it. "Did you have a good time?" Brittany asked sleepily from the bed.

She covered her chest as she turned to her. She usually felt fine when she was naked in front of Brittany. They were so many times in the locker room even before they started being more than friends, but for some reason she didn't want Brittany to see her. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

"You didn't really. I was kind of waiting."

"You shouldn't have."

"I couldn't sleep very well thinking about you and Finn together."

"It wasn't a big deal."

"It was to me," Brittany said quietly making herself upright in the bed. They stared at each other. Deep brown meeting light blue, neither willing to say the words that they wanted to. "Are you going to get in bed? You're probably tired."

"I have to shower."

"Ok."

She needed to scrub the smell of him off of her before lying next to Brittany and she needed the time to try to not think about kissing Brittany.

She laid her head against the cool tile of the shower wall, taking deep breaths. She didn't hear Brittany get into the shower with her she only felt her hands start to work shampoo through her hair. Then she started to cry again. "Did he hurt you?"

"No," she managed to say in between sobs. "I'm sorry B. I don't know why I did it I'm just so sorry."

"I know, me too."

_Brittany pulled Santana's naked body toward her own and held her as her own tears began to mingle with the shower water. Santana looked up at her with a soft smile on her face before kissing her lightly on the lips. "It's me and you Britt, I know it is." She didn't exactly know what that meant but she knew it was better than her talking about any boys and she would accept that for now. _

_She felt Santana begin to trail a line of kisses down her neck. "Not tonight San." Santana looked up at her questioningly. "I can't after… You know after you and him."_

"_Oh,"_

"_Let's dry off and go to sleep ok?"_

"_Are you mad at me?"_

"_No of course not San."_

"_You promise?"_

_Brittany offered her left pinkie to Santana. "I promise."_

Winter 2016

Santana gripped Mia's hand hard as they approached the restaurant in their skimpy dresses. Mia had actually gotten dressed first; planning on going out after and Santana was not one to be shown up by her friend. That was how Santana found herself with most of her body revealed. She never wanted to be shown up by Mia. It was a little game they played, whether it was who could be sluttier or who could be sexier that was up to the viewer. All of the members of glee club other than Brittany and Finn were there and they greeted Santana and Mia nicely, but apprehensively. Except for Artie who gave her this look like she was going to kill his puppy.

Mia sat down and began swirling her wine glass around. "So how many of these people have you actually slept with?"

Puck appeared from the side, pulling out the chair next to Santana. "Too many, I can promise you that."

"I honestly like the slutty Santana more than the chaste one," Mia replied flirtatiously. It was just what Santana needed tonight Mia and Puck flirting directly in front of her. "You're Noah aren't you? Noah Puckerman."

"So Santana talks about me?"

Santana smiled sweetly and venomously all at once, a talent Puck had basically forced her to perfect. "Only as the boyfriend that turned me gay."

"You were gay far before I got to you. I was probably the first one to know about you and Britt." He turned toward Mia, "See I was an innocent young high school student before those two got to me and convinced a very drunk me to have a threesome with them. Unfortunately, I don't think they really understood the concept of a threesome."

"That's not exactly how I remember it Puckerman and that is also enough. Mia has witnessed too many of my escapades so we don't need to rehash any more of them for her to hold over my head."

She knew Brittany had arrived before she heard the door closed. It was this feeling she always had, this calm that came over her, but now it felt more like it was constricting her. She couldn't breath and it reminded her so much of those days when she would watch Brittany walk over to the cripple instead of her.

_Brittany saw Santana sitting next to a girl she didn't know. Would she have the audacity to bring someone she was sleeping with? It had happened enough times before. She would be with Santana in their own little world and then suddenly it was like someone took all the air from the bubble and took Santana away. Santana was the air. _

"_Britt!" Quinn yelled from the other side of the table. She ran up her side and Brittany didn't realize that she had been almost falling until Quinn stabilized her. "It's going to be ok B, I'm here," Q whispered lightly as she circled her arm around her waist. "This is Santana's roommate Mia." _

_The first thing she noticed was how similar Santana and Mia appeared. They both had those dark brown eyes with the caramel skin to match, but it was the little things that differentiated them. Mia's hair was a touch lighter and Santana was a bit thinner. They were things that only Brittany could really notice because she had traced every inch of Santana's body. _

"_It's nice to meet you Brittany. I'm a big fan," Mia smiled genuinely as she reached her hand out for her's, while San looked pained next to her as she attempted a smile up at her. Brittany only allowed herself one look into Santana's eyes. It was one look too many. She didn't remember how much power one look between them could have. Blue and brown meeting and slowing time. She looked away before Santana, smiling a little less brightly down at Mia. _

"_I hope you've taken care of San here."_

"_She's difficult, but as much as she lets me."_

"_It's worth it once you get inside though isn't it?"_

"_Yes so very worth it."_

Mia smiled at her, but Santana barely acknowledged it. What game was Brittany playing with this niceness? Brittany was nice, she always was nice. How could she forget something so simple as that? Brittany was the kindest person she knew and yet the exchange between her former best friend and new best friend made her heart start beating as if something bad was going to happen. That erratic beat that she knew so well. It always came when Brittany was close, even when she knew Brittany loved her she always felt like something could take her away in a second. Not take, but rip. Like she had ripped herself from her.

"You guys shouldn't have waited for me to order. And you all know I'm paying. Don't fight it because it's happening." Santana realized they did this often, the rest of Glee and Brittany. They ate together, they came together and Santana was the one missing. She felt like she was intruding on them, as if she was watching them from a window outside. She didn't fit anymore; she had ripped herself from them. She didn't deserve to fit.

Mia squeezed her hand hard in that way she did. In that way she did to say you're going to be ok, I'm here and you're freaking out but everything is going to be ok. Why couldn't she feel like everything was going to be ok?

_Dinner went well enough Brittany thought. Santana was rigid in the beginning but as Puck began joking with her and Mia she started to soften. She teased Finn, not in the mean way she used to but in a kind loving way, and she joked with Tina, and laughed with Puck, and all through it there was Mia by her side. Mia seemed to be the thing keeping her there, making sure she didn't run out at a moments notice. Every time Santana would look panicked she'd look to Mia who would touch her lightly or nod her head. When Mia wasn't keeping Santana there Brittany could feel her eyes on her. She studied her. It unnerved her especially because Santana would barely look her way. _

_At the end of dinner Puck shot up, his almost empty wine glass spilling dark red onto the white tablecloth. "I don't know about you guys but I want to keep this party going. Where should we go to keep this party going Lopez?" _

_Santana gulped and looked to Mia who nodded lightly. "Well, this DJ Mia really likes is spinning at Tigre tonight. We were going to go after and I'm sure you guys can all come. Mia knows the manager so she can get us a table." _

_Mia smiled after and nodded, before grabbing San's hand. "It's a pretty cool club. San thinks it's lame because it has a jungle theme and she claims it feels like a grown up Rainforest Café except instead of action figures they give you watered down cocktails."_

_San shrugged. "I'd rather the action figures." And for the first time that night San smiled at her. It was soft and timid, but it was there. She tried not to look too eager when she smiled back. _

_They continued smiling at each other until Puck pulled Santana up. "Let's go!"_

_After minutes of disagreements over rides she found herself separated from San, Mia, and Puck who took a taxi while the rest of them piled into her two SUVs. _

The three of them arrived before anyone else, which Santana appreciated. It gave her some time to collect herself. They left Puck at the table to escape to the bathroom.

"You need to remember to breath a little more San," Mia said as she reapplied her lip-gloss. She said it completely matter of factly, not in a worried tone at all. "I've never seen you so on edge."

"I couldn't remember why I did it."

"What?"

"I was sitting there in dinner and I couldn't remember why I left her, because she was there and she was smiling but she wasn't actually. Brittany, she has lots of different smiles. I know them all, but I didn't know that one, because it wasn't a real one. She was so apprehensive and I did that and all I wanted to do was calm her and tell her I love her."

"Then tell her."

"I can't. I remember now. I remember why I left her."

"I don't get it and I usually get you, so I'm the one getting apprehensive now."

"Don't. Have fun tonight Mia. Please?"

"Puck is quite good looking."

"I never thought we'd find ourselves in the situation where we'd have slept with the same person."

"Especially considering our differing sexual orientations."

They looked at each other and began laughing. Santana finally felt calm when she exhaled the giggle. "I'm ready."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, as long as you don't leave."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

They weaved their way back to the table, which was now teeming with her former classmates. But she immediately noticed the one person who had no connection to McKinley High, except for maybe her connection to her. The one person was chatting lively to Brittany. The one person was Ava.


	7. Is It Worth It?

a/n: **Not much to say about this one. I'm kind of in a rut of where I want to go with this right now, but I hope you still enjoy this chapter**

Mia let out a hollow laugh next to her, as to say of course Ava was there. But all Santana could do was try to rub off the bumps that had suddenly appeared on her arms. At the sight of the Latina Ava jumped up off the couch and stood in front of Santana before kissing her lightly on the corner of her mouth. Santana stood rigid as Ava whispered in her ear, "I told you I wouldn't let you go easily. She's so nice I almost wish I didn't have to ruin your relationship."

_When they arrived and Santana wasn't there Brittany panicked. She thought she had gotten scared again. She was used to San's scared look. It came so often when Brittany would reach for her as her eyes would move over wherever they were as if to make sure that no one was watching them. It always bothered Brittany so much. Not because she wanted Santana to be comfortable, which she did, but she wanted Santana to realize that people would still love her, in fact she thought they would love her more when they saw the soft side that only Brittany got to see. _

_ Then the girl Ava sat down next to her and she thought that she was some kind of fan, but then she said she was a friend of Santana's. She understood the way Ava said friend. It certainly did not mean that they went to brunch and shopped together on the weekends. She knew the way Ava said friend meant that she was a lot more than friends with Santana. _

_When Santana returned from the bathroom she couldn't see her reaction at Ava, but Ava happily skipped over to her before kissing her. Brittany had never been jealous like this before. With the boys and Santana it was different, because even if San never said it she knew it. She knew that Santana was just hiding. With another girl she wasn't hiding. She was being herself, the person that she decided she couldn't be with her anymore. Maybe she wasn't even jealous, just angry. Her skin felt all hot as Santana looked over at her as Ava tried to lead her to the dance floor. _

"Please let go of me Ava."

"She's not interested in you Santana, not like I am. Do you think she would be with you anyway? She's famous."

"I know what she is."

"Why won't you just love me?" Ava took her hand and turned it over in her's, tracing the lines of her palms. She whispered what she said, so that Santana didn't really know if she was talking to her or to herself.

She pulled away. "I… I love her." There it was, the admission that she couldn't and wouldn't say to Brittany. It was like they were back in fucking eleventh grade and Santana was watching herself leaving Britt's room and going to some other boy's. No matter what she'd always hurt herself more for it. She always knew it. She was smart, she knew what she was doing to herself when she slipped out of Britt's bed under the darkness and back into her own room. She did it for Brittany though. She never wanted Brittany to get attached like she did. She repeated her mantra that it was just sex to Brittany so that Brittany might actually believe it.

"Is it worth it?"

Winter 2010

"_Is it worth it?" Britt said as she bit her lip nervously over her math homework. She chose not to look Santana in the eyes, who was chewing on her pencil as her eyes bore into Brittany. Brittany didn't like that, the way Santana was staring at her. It made her brain all cloudy and she could hardly remember how mad it made her when San sang that song to Puck at Glee. Santana looked like she loved Puck, or more that Puck belonged to her. She wondered if Santana would ever sing like that against one of the boy's that she slept with. Probably not._

"_Is what worth it Britt Britt?"_

"_Fighting with Mercedes. I mean he's just Puck. He wasn't even that good at sex."_

Santana shivered, she couldn't control the spasm that went up her body at the thought of Puck sweating over Brittany's body. Brittany's body with its perfect contours that she let her touch so gently and she touched her so gently back. Her soft and slender fingers traced her hip bones then moved down… It was thoughts like this that made it harder and harder to brush off Brittany's soft touches in the choir room. "He's just my property Britt. He's part of the package. I'm a cheerleader so I hook up with football players. You do it too. Maybe you should get a boyfriend too, then it would be easier for you when I spent time with Puck." That was so fucking stupid. Why the hell would she say something like that? She didn't want Brittany to get a boyfriend. Then she might realize how abnormal their relationship was. Then she might realize that she didn't treat her the way she should. Brittany should have someone who would hold her hand down the hallway and tell her how beautiful she looked no matter if she was dressed up or just waking up. Worst of all if she had a boyfriend she might not have enough time for her, and she might leave her. The thought itself brought another spasm over her. "You don't need to get a boyfriend if you don't want one B. With Cheerios and your classes and Glee and dance you probably don't have enough time."

"You do all that stuff."

"I don't do dance."

"So if I quit dance you think I'd have enough time for a boyfriend?"

"You shouldn't quit dance just for a boyfriend."

"You're the one who said as a Cheerio I'm supposed to have a boyfriend on the football team."

She sighed. Brittany was waiting for her to say why she really didn't want her to have a boyfriend. Brittany knew. That's the first time she realized Brittany knew and she wasn't doing anything about it. She wasn't pressuring her. Maybe she was just as a worried about losing her; maybe she loved her too. "If you like someone you should date him. I like Puck. He's fun and he doesn't make things complicated. When I'm with him I forget about things I worry about." It wasn't true. In fact when she was moving on top of Puck all she could think about was the thing she worried about most.

_People thought she was stupid; Brittany knew that. She said the things that came to her mind. For her seventh birthday San gave her an Amelia Bedelia book and told her that Amelia was like Brittany, people thought she was stupid but her mind just worked differently. She was special. That's what Santana had understood even at seven, she was special. Thinking about it she probably loved her then, or at least knew that she was more than her best friend. When she found her older sister's drawings of her wedding she copied them but instead of Danny Alan she drew her and San getting married together. That's what she wanted, the two of them together forever, even then. _

_Zoe had told her that her picture was wrong. Santana couldn't be a bride too she had to be the maid of honour. Brittany wasn't going to marry a girl. She didn't get it. Why not? She still didn't get it. Why not? Santana was the prettiest and kindest person she'd ever known, even though she was only kind for her. She wasn't just kind to her she was kind for her. She stood up to people ever since they were little. When Quinn looked at her with that face that people always gave her when she said something that they deemed "stupid" Santana wouldn't allow it. If she were to draw her wedding she'd still draw their hands together. She knew it and she was pretty sure that Santana would draw the same thing, though she'd probably rip the picture up after so no one would know. She knew. _

"_Santana?"_

_Santana looked so uncomfortable. She was doing that thing that did when she was nervous. She scratched roughly at her palms and it looked so painful but it seemed to calm her. She just nodded as she continued to scratch at her palms._

"_I don't want a boyfriend right now. Is that ok?"_

_The scratching stopped and Santana took a deep breath. To Brittany it looked like she hadn't been breathing, like San had been under water and she finally made it to the surface. "That's fine Britt, it is absolutely fine."_

Winter 2016

Mia stepped in between her and Ava, keeping her from scratching off her palms. She knew Mia recognized the way she scratched at them. She hadn't done it in so long and then Brittany was there and it felt like high school all over again and all she could do was scratch her palms to keep the pain away. She didn't want it. She didn't know what she would do if Brittany didn't want her again. That's why she actually walked away at the photo shoot. Even though Brittany said they were soul mates, she knew that it hadn't been enough in the eleventh grade and she couldn't fight for her like she did back then. She didn't have it in her.

Mia completely ignored Ava and walked Santana toward the back door, the freezing night air meeting them. Mia wedged it open with her leg and just placed her hand on Santana's back. That's all it took for Santana to start losing air. She couldn't bring it into her lungs. It hurt every time she breathed. Mia turned her towards her. "Breath Santana, you think you can't but you can. Just breath." They locked eyes and Santana tried to mirror the deep breaths that Mia was taking. "You're ok San, I'm here. You're going to be ok. This is happening but it's all going to be ok. I'm here." Her breathing slowed.

_Rachel was talking about her new show and Brittany remembered how annoying she was. She loved her but the girl could be so annoying and so into herself that she couldn't see that Brittany could not focus on her. She didn't even say goodbye when she followed Mia and Santana out the door. She just got up and walked away. She watched Santana have one of her attacks. She wanted to help. She wanted to cup Santana's cheeks with her hands and pull her into her and remind her that it didn't matter whatever the attack was about because she was there. Now it was Mia who told her she was there. She couldn't help but feel replaced. _

_She turned to go but then felt a hand grab her's. She knew it wasn't Santana's because she knew what her hand felt like and this hand wasn't soft like San's. "Stay with her," Mia whispered. "It's not me she needs, not right now at least." _

_Santana had slunk down so her body sat on the dirty alley bottom with her back against the cold brick. Brittany joined her and Santana let out a sob. "Ava doesn't mean anything."_

"_It's ok if she does."_

"_Does Artie mean something?" Brittany could tell how much the words hurt when they came out of San's mouth. _

"_Not like he did in high school. No one means anything."_

"_I thought I was doing the right thing you know?"_

"_How?"_

"_Mia and I went to that first movie you actually starred in. It was wonderful, you were wonderful. But you kissed the main guy in it and I felt Snix come out. And if I had been there when you had done it I would have ruined everything. My jealousy would have killed your time. I knew it was for the best. I knew I was right. I never thought I'd see you again. I really didn't. I can't do it though. I'm not strong enough to just stay away from you or just be your friend. We were never friends Britt. We weren't right?"_

_It wasn't what she had always wanted to hear, but it was partly it. Santana needed her; she was admitting it. For now right now she could take that so she gently offered her pinkie and with a shy smile Santana took it in her's. _

_**Please review I always appreciate them so much!**_


	8. You going to get home ok?

**I don't know if sorry cuts it for the readers of this story. I've been having a crazy time and this has definitely been forgotten. Not forgotten forever though. I hope this lives up to any sort of expectations anyone may have. Thank you for reading and let me know what you think please!**

Winter 2016

Santana did not know how long they had been sitting on the cold hard ground like this, with Brittany's thumbs making slow circles on the back of her hands. It did not feel real. It was some sort of dream life that Santana never believed in. Maybe that was the problem, believing. She had to admit she never believed in it, her and Brittany. She always thought Brittany would suddenly realise how stupid it was of her to be with Santana, and Brittany had never been stupid. Different, but never stupid. "I think I'll just go home now," she murmured, wiping her nose as she did.

Brittany slightly jumped, as if she had never expected Santana to speak again. "Oh. Ok. Well I could walk with you." Santana nodded and pulled her coat closer around her as she stood up. They walked slowly, falling easily in step with each other as they had for so many years. "Want to know what the hardest part was?" Brittany asked.

"Of what?"

"Of your disappearance."

"What?"

"I used to tell you everything. Every time anything important happened, or not even important every time anything happened, I would call you. And even it was uninteresting or silly you'd listen and you'd understand why I wanted to share it. No one ever does that in the same way. People listen because they have to. You listen because you want to. Wanted to, I guess."

"I never stopped wanting to."

_Santana never had expressed emotion very well. There were those tear soaked songs in the Glee room, or soft declarations of love as they lay together in the safety of their solitude. Brittany adored those moments and would write them down so she could keep them forever. She had bits of paper everywhere in her room with things as simple as, "Today Santana told me I looked pretty in my dress," and as complicated as, "I need you but it hurts so much." She kept them as her own, to look over in those moments where Santana disappeared from her into her world of doubt and fear. _

_Because of this she knew the gravity of everything Santana said. "I never stopped wanting to," meant much more than that. It meant that she missed her and she needed her like Brittany needed her. Because in those moments where Brittany let herself miss Santana it felt earth shattering and hyperbolic and horrifically painful. In those moments something was gone, torn from her. So she took, "I never stopped wanting you," and remembered to write it down later._

"_Britt?"_

"_Yes?"_

"_Are you going to leave, like go home? Or when are you going to?"_

"_I don't really have a home in the way that most people do. I have a house in LA, and I hate it. It takes so long to get everywhere and everyone is so far from everyone. It's not normal. I go back to Lima a lot, whenever I can. I can be anywhere, as long as I don't have work commitments." She gave Santana an eye roll at the work commitments comment. She wanted to show Santana that things did not need to be so dark and serious with them, so painful. They could just be them._

"_So what are your work commitments now?"_

"_I have to go back to LA tomorrow."_

"_Tomorrow? That sucks."_

"_I can come back. I'll come back."_

"_It's just that, well, it's not a big deal, but sometimes I go to this bar and sing. Mia is the only one that really knows because it's not a big deal and I don't want it to a big deal and I have a show in a week and if you want to come. If you're around I mean, would you like to come?"_

"_Of course San, I love it when you sing best. Always have."_

"_Phew, always though it was secretly Rachel for you."_

"_You know I actually kind of hate Rachel."_

"_That's good because I actually do hate Rachel."_

"_No you don't."_

"_You're right, I don't, not all the time at least." She paused and kissed Brittany lightly on the cheek. "This is me."_

"_Nice place."_

"_Yeah, we like it."_

"_You should. You're lucky for your anonymity."_

"_Never thought of it like that, but I guess that's an interesting way of putting it. Makes sense when it comes from the big celebrity," she said teasing._

"_I don't like that word. It sounds like I am selling myself for brillo pads, which isn't what it's about at all. I'm selling myself for much nicer things like cars and steaks." She loved that smile that Santana gave her when she knew she was making a joke. Those jokes that no one else really understood like Santana did. She just loved her._

"_You're crazy."_

"_A bit."_

"_You going to get home ok?"_

Spring 2010

"You going to get home ok?" Santana asked the drunk Cheerio who was setting off to her house on foot.

"I know where the gas is," the girl quickly responded. Santana shook her head. It shouldn't be her fucking problem, but now that Sue had left them high and dry these girls didn't know who would allow them to be anorexic bitches with everyone accepting it. Santana was scared too. If she was going to admit it, which she wasn't, not to anyone at least.

She sat down on the nearest couch, her head slightly spinning from the buzz of alcohol and lack of food. The couch sunk next to her and she hoped to god it wasn't another Cheerio trying to moan about the suckiness of their life. Little did they know she was in love with her best friend who was currently cuddled up on some baseball player from Harrison Prep, the local jocky prep school. She dared to look to her coach mate, who was tapping his fingers lightly on his knee as he sipped slowly on a water bottle. He seemed to notice her looking as he turned his face to her. "Excuse me, did I take a friend's space?" She must have been in full bitch face mode because he looked terrified. There was something about him, and maybe how pitiful she was feeling about Brittany, that made her not bite at him.

"Free country, free couch."

"I'm Scotty." How fucking wholesome. Scotty, probably with the perfect parents and three sport varsity athlete, and car that he fucked girls in, while his parents still thought he was god's gift to the world.

Still she answered, "Santana."

"Are you holy then?"

"You speak Spanish?"

"My Abuela taught me well, didn't she?"

"My abuela taught me how to be the biggest bitch in Lima, so I guess she gave me something too."

"They tend to have that same biting wit you appear to."

"How'd you get the name Scotty then?"

"Papa is 100% gringo."

"Thus we have good ol American Scott. It's more of a sound than a name really."

"Is it? I never thought about it like that."

"Like Joyce or Bill. Not really words, just lips moving together."

He raised his eyebrows and laughed a bit. "Lips moving together huh?"

"I'm slightly enjoying myself at this point, don't push your luck with those high school sexual references."

"Good I'm almost out of high school then. You know, to get away from the treachery of the boys and everything."

"Gracias a dios!"

"I was actually supposed to leave a long time ago, but my buddy met this chick he's trying to score with and he won't leave." He pointed over at the boy Brittany was as wrapped around as humanly possible.

"That's Brittany. He'll probably be fine. She's pretty easy."

"You know her?"

"She's my best friend."

"Wasn't a very friendly way of talking about a friend."

"Just honest."

"Guess that's better than most people."

They sat together for a little while, quietly. But it was a natural kind of quiet. They were both content to simply watch the drunkenness unfold around them. She got a good look at him and decided that almost any girl would find him probably devastatingly handsome. Most girls who weren't having sex with their best friends that is. He had dark dark hair, but crystal blue eyes and a strong face. He was muscular, definitely some kind of athlete.

Amber, one of the stupider Cheerios, took that moment to slam into Santana's other side. "You're talking to Scott Greene, he's like going to be in the NBA or something. Get it girl." Amber must have thought she was whispering, but she was certainly not, more like stage whispering perhaps, meaning she was yelling while insinuating that it was supposed to be whispering. Deciding that she had given enough information, Amber slunk away toward the drink table.

"NBA huh?"

"College ball first. Let's not get ahead of ourselves."

"Where?"

"Ohio State. Family wants me close and I essentially really like them so I want to be close too."

"Nice." And she did think it was nice. He was nice and he was looking at her like he liked her because she certainly knew what that looked like. He'd be a good boyfriend for someone. She didn't deserve that and he didn't deserve to be treated like she would treat him.

"Do you want to go out some time? Maybe get dinner or something? Movie, if you prefer that."

She was going to say no and then Brittany came slinking toward her in that tight purple dress, and she'd been so jealous all night and even if Brittany didn't love her she wanted her to feel a fraction of that. "Of course I'd love to go out with you. Let me give you my number so we can set something up." She typed it into his phone and smiled as she gave it back. "Sorry Brittany's my ride so I should go with her, but it was really nice meeting you and definitely call me."

_Brittany had gotten up from the boy's lap, she couldn't remember his name, because she missed Santana so much. Boys had just become so unattractive to her in these past few weeks. If she was being honest though it was everyone. She couldn't even focus on anyone but Santana. Of course it had always been sort of like this, but now it was like it terrified her whenever they were apart. She counted every single second until she saw Santana again, and when she did see Santana she could not describe the elation that went through her. Euphoric, she felt euphoric. Thank you SATs. _

_That boy Santana was with was attractive and Santana didn't seem to be mean to him so he must have been nice. Santana must have really liked him. She never said yes to dates. Never. _

_She could barely hear anything as she followed Santana outside and they began the walk home to Brittany's. "Who was that guy?"_

"_Oh no one, Scott something or other. Basketball player or something like that."_

"_He didn't seem like no one."_

"_So who was the guy you were with then Britt?"_

"_I don't remember his name."_

"_And I bet he doesn't remember yours either, because you give it up to so many people it doesn't even matter if they remember yours." Santana was breathing so hard and scratching her wrists. She looked manic and terrified. _

"_Don't be mean."_

"_I'm not being mean. I'm being truthful."_

"_It makes it no fun when you're mean."_

"_This isn't fun Brittany! Being with you isn't fun when all you do it have sex with guys. Why do I even bother hanging out with you when I'm the last person you're interested in spending time with?"_

"_You're the only person I'm interested in spending time with." She meant it too. It was Santana who always wanted to go the parties. Santana got scared whenever they spent too much time together. As soon as they were done having sex Santana would jump up, never spending too much time together._

"_He wasn't anyone Brittany. Just leave it alone. Let's just go to your's. Ok? I'm sorry if you thought I was mad." Santana looked back and forth and came closer to Brittany's face. She could feel her pulse start to quicken as Santana came closer and closer. Santana started to kiss her. Softly than harder and harder. More and more often it felt like Santana was marking her than enjoying her. She wanted Brittany to know that Santana wanted her to be hers without saying it. Brittany just wanted her to say it._

Winter 2016

It had been a week since Santana had seen Brittany. It had only been over a week since Brittany had come back into Santana's life and there was no way of saying it other than she missed her.

Somehow Quinn had basically moved into their apartment. Yes, their roommate Kate had moved out a few months ago and it would be nice having the extra rent, but it was Quinn. She would have never guessed Quinn Fabray would live in her apartment.

Another somehow was Puck and Mia. They'd been talking all the time since Puck left with Brittany. Santana would be complaining about it more, but through Puck she was able to hear about Brittany and that's all she really wanted.

It was the night of her concert and she wasn't sure Brittany was coming. She didn't want to smother Brittany with texts so they hadn't talked at all. She wanted to, but she didn't know how to start it. Hey was too little, and I miss you felt like too much at this point.

As far as she knew from Puck they two of them were planning on making it. Unfortunately what had come from inviting Brittany and Quinn now living with them it appeared like most of the Glee Club was now invited to her little set. She didn't know who to kill, but someone would pay for it.

She took a cab with Mia and Quinn to the tiny venue. The bartender and manager, Bobby, greeted her happily. They'd met a couple of years ago and he loved hearing her play, so much that he basically forced her to do it every few weeks. "The queen herself is here! All hail the great Santana!"

"Shut up Bobby, it's too much as usual."

"I only want you to remember I was your first and am your biggest fan when you get super famous."

"Good joke Bobby. Now this is Quinn, she sucks, so you don't have to try hard and I have some other friends coming tonight too, but it's not a big deal."

"Santana Lopez, friends? Other than the sidekick Mia of course."

"I take offense to being called the sidekick Robert," Mia yelled from the door.

"I only speak the truth," he calmly said as he shrugged.

"I'm going to go warm up ok?"

She'd played seven of her eight songs and Brittany wasn't there. At least she didn't think she was. Usually she could just tell when she was, but maybe there was something about a dirty smelly bar that muted their connection. Maybe. She took a long sip of water before returning to the microphone. "This is a song I wrote during a super angsty time in my life. You know when you love someone so much that you just kind of hate them? This is what this is about." She started the song, but it wasn;t until the final chorus that she saw her.

"Well this is torturous electricity  
>Between both of us and this is<br>Dangerous, 'cause I want you so much  
>But I hate your guts. I want you so much<br>But I hate your guts.  
>Well this is torturous<br>Electricity between both of us  
>And this is dangerous 'cause I want you so much<br>But I hate your guts  
>I want you so much but I hate your guts."<p>

It was a mistake to sing this she thought. All her songs were so obviously about Brittany, but this one was different. She wrote it during that time that Brittany chose Artie, those horrific days where all she felt she had was her horrifically depressing lyrics.

"Thank you everyone for coming. I always appreciate it so much."

_Brittany didn't know what to think. On one hand it was beautiful and on the other she hated seeing Santana like that and know she caused part of it. But Santana had caused so much of her pain. Was it fair? It had never been fair between them it just had been. _

**a/n: Song is Landfill by Daughter, definitely cannot take credit for that. It is wonderful though check it out. Hope you guys enjoyed it. Hopefully more to come ASAP!**


	9. You Broke Mine First

**a/n: I hope to start posting at least one chapter per week this summer, hopefully I can to this. Please review!** **I didn't do a flashback in this chapter so let me know if you like it better this way or wish there had been a flashback. Thank you for reading!**

Santana made her way from the stage to the bar where, thankfully, a large glass of scotch already waited for her. She let the amber liquid burn her throat, relishing feeling something. It felt like her senses were all on high alert and then with a touch she calmed again. "I think if possible you may have gotten better, at singing that is." Brittany gave her a shy smile before sitting down next to her. "I could introduce you to my producer."

"No, I mean thank you Brittany but that's not what I want."

"I seem to remember a Santana who only wanted to be famous."

"I guess I've grown up."

"People should hear your music. It's wonderful." Santana shook her head, it's all she could do with Brittany this close to her, the warmth of her breath tickling her ear and her scent washing over her. "You could write. It's good money. I could sing them if you wanted."

"That would be sacrilegious."

"Why?"

"Just no Britt. I'm going to go home now. I'm tired."

"Can I walk with you?"

"Yeah, that be nice."

They walked slowly, their hands swinging next to each other haphazardly. Santana put her hands into her pockets after they grazed again. She could see the sting of hurt on Brittany's face, all too familiar to her. When they reached her house she turned to her. "I need a drink, another drink, do you want one? You could come up."

"I'd love to see your apartment, if you're sure."

"I'm sure." Brittany followed her closely, but not too closely, into the apartment. "I think Quinn and Mia went out so they shouldn't be back until late."

"Or early depending on how you think about it."

After a beat Santana murmured, "Sweet or salty."

"Breakfast." They smiled at each other, one of those smiles that they both only reserved for each other.

"What do you want to drink?"

"Anything. Whatever you want."

Santana poured two glasses of red wine before handing one to Brittany who was trying to sneakily examine the apartment. "That's my room, and Mia's over there, Quinn's I guess now. Then there's the kitchen and the living room. It's simple."

"I love it. It's cozy."

"I suppose it is. It's home at least."

They sat quietly, sipping on their wine, not exactly a comfortable silence, but maybe a scared silence. It was so hard to go from what they were to now.

"That song, it was about me wasn't it?" Brittany asked, unable to look Santana in the eye." Santana could only numbly nod. "I liked it. I mean I would have liked it more if it wasn't about me, but I still liked it."

"I wrote it a long time ago."

"Yeah? When?"

"When you chose Artie."

"I really made you angry didn't I?"

"No, not really, you just broke my heart."

"You broke mine first."

"When?"

"There were a lot of times. The first was after we had sex for the first time I think. I knew after, even though I didn't understand it, I knew I loved you more than anyone, more than I would ever love anyone else. That this was what all those movies were talking about. I was fourteen but I knew. Then there was the time I walked in on you and Puck and you yelled at me. And the time you wouldn't talk to me after I accidentally told Mercedes and Artie we were having sex. That time you told me we were just having sex because Puck was in jail. When you didn't tell me to stop dating Artie. I don't know, it's stupid."

"Britt, you are not stupid," Santana said as she softly pressed a hand to Brittany's. "This is why I did it you know. All those reasons and all the other times that you can't think of right now. I was always breaking your heart. I know I was, and I knew it then too and that's why I did it."

"Is that it then? We just pretend this week didn't happen and go back to our lives. Is that what you want?"

"What do you want?"

Brittany sighed before whispering, "I want you. I always have."

"I'm so scared of fucking it up again."

"If you're scared it means you have something to lose." Santana softly lowered her glass to the table before moving close to Brittany. She touched her face ever so gently. Brittany always felt worshipped under Santana's look. She almost wanted to squirm out of it. It made her uncomfortable, but at the same time she only ever wanted to be looked at like that.

Santana moved toward Brittany, still slowly. She closed her eyes and pressed her lips gently to Brittany's for a moment before returning to her cheek. "I love you," she breathed. Brittany tried not to cry, she genuinely did, but she couldn't hold it in and sobs choked out of her. Santana fell back and rubbed her arms worriedly. "Do you not love me?"

"Of course I do San, I'm crying because I love you so much."

"You do?"

"Always."

Before Santana could reach Brittany again the door slammed open to reveal Puck carrying a very intoxicated looking Quinn as Mia, quite intoxicated herself, followed them in. "Fuck!" Mia yelled. "I knew this would happen. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Puck looked at her quizzically as he deposited the sleeping Quinn in a chair. "I'm so sorry San. We interrogated you."

Santana couldn't help but smiling. "Do you mean you interrupted us?"

"Interrogated interrupted. Same same but different. Just pretend we were never here. I'll go in my room with Fuck, I mean Puck, well I'd like to fuck Puck, but you know his name is Puck not Fuck. Quinn can sleep here and Brittany you can sleep on the couch or in Satan's bed but be careful I don't think she's cleaned the sheets since Ava gyrated on top of her. Oh fuck! I wasn't supposed to say that was I?"

"I'll just go back to my hotel." Brittany gathered her stuff as Santana sent a death glare to Mia who mouthed apologies and profanities toward her. Santana followed Brittany out the door, who whipped around and began speaking in that deliciously adorable fast way she did when she didn't know what to say. "I don't know what to do. I don't want to push you, but I want to."

"Why don't we start with brunch?"

"Brunch?"

"Tomorrow? Let's say noonish. I'll text you the place."

"Brunch at noonish tomorrow? Like a brunch date?"

"Yes, like a brunch date."

"Like a date date?"

"If you want."

"I want."

"Good, I want too." Santana smiled and pulled Brittany into a soft almost friendly hug. "I do love you, so much. Give me a bit of time though? I need a bit of time."

"I want to wait. I can wait."

"Thank you."

"I love you too."


	10. You Win I Suck

**This is really more of a filler chapter, but I tried to put some action in definitely!**

Santana couldn't focus on Privacy Law this morning. She spent the entire class consecutively colouring the edges of her notebook paper. Probably should have focused, too bad. She didn't really need to work that hard in school. Sure she studied when she needed too and put effort in when she needed too, but most of the time information came to her easily. It was one of those things she only let Brittany know about in high school. Brittany would sit with her on her bed quietly looking over her homework. It wasn't that Brittany had a hard time with school, she just had other things she wanted to focus on. And now Brittany had it, everything she had ever wanted. Santana had most everything she'd ever wanted: a 3.82 GPA, her good friends in New York, and her family still loved her most of the time except for abuela.

Somehow she'd missed the end of class as her peers began to throw their belongings in their bags. "In your own world Lopez?" she looked up to find Mark, the boy that's been trying to get her to "study" with him all semester.

"Ah Marcus, how was class today?"

"Yeah you were absolutely in your own world. Need notes?" At least this was one good thing about people assuming heterosexuality, she could use them for favours.

"Really? That be so great! You're really the best."

They walked into the slowly warming air as he ripped his notes out for her. She didn't look up as she attempted to go through his horrible handwriting.

"Do you know who that is?" Mark whispered to her over her notes.

She continued to look down. "Who?"

"It's Brittany S. Pierce, she's so fucking hot. Sorry I mean that's demeaning, but she is a fine piece of woman."

After searching through the crowd she found it easy to find Brittany, after following everyone's eyes toward Brittany's disguised face, though obviously not so disguised. "Have a wonderful afternoon Marcus, thank you for the notes I'll bring them back on Thursday."

"Look who we have here," she said with a tap on Brittany's shoulder.

"How did you recognise me? I'm incognito."

"Brittany you could be wearing a mask and I could recognise you from your legs alone."

"I always knew you only liked me for my body."

"Yeah your face has really always been a bummer. Why do you think I always close my eyes and want to make out in the dark?"

"I thought that was because you weren't comfortable with your lesbian identity and when you actually saw me you had to acknowledge you were having sex with another woman. At least that's what my therapist says."

"Britt…" she murmured. Suddenly she could feel all the eyes of her peers on the two of them together, worst yet she could hear the shutters of paparazzi's cameras on the two of them. She was glad she wasn't touching her or hadn't touched her. "Can we go somewhere else?"

"Ah so we're back in the dark even as we stand in the light." She could tell Brittany saw the terror encompassing her. She didn't even know why she felt this way. All this time in New York she had really been working on feeling comfortable with her own identity, and she was getting there, slowly but she was surely getting there and then there was Brittany in front of her and she felt it all go away. So she just started walking away. It didn't make sense, simply walking away, and she could tell Brittany was just gaping at her initially, but then she felt her fall in step with her. "If we're going to be together Santana, and I know that's what you want, you need to get used to people looking at us."

"Why? Why is it any of their business who you're with and why you're with them?"

"Because that's what I've signed up for. That's what you wanted me to do isn't it? Go to LA and get famous."

"I don't know if you remember, but the plan was for us to never see each other again."

"That was a stupid plan from the beginning because we're always going to be together even if we're not physically together. Even if we're in the dark Santana."

"It's hard now that you are so sure of everything."

"God Santana you're sure of it too. I know whenever any of those stupid boys were inside you or whenever you're inside those stupid girls you're thinking about me."

"Stupid huh? And how do you know all this?"

"Because it's the same for me and you and me we're the same when it comes to each other, except you can't accept that."

"Ok, I get it. You win. I suck. You've always been the good one in this relationship and I suck and ruin it and everything's my fault."

"I'm not trying for you to become more self deprecating than you already are, I'm trying to help you work through your feelings. It's important to me to understand why you're feeling why you're feeling that way. Yet you automatically feel that you have to be defensive and fight with me about it. I do not mean to hurt you I mean to make sure you know that I love you and no matter what you're safe with me."

"How did it happen? How did a loser like me get you to fall in love with me?"

"Unfortunately I never really had a chance."

"I really want to kiss you right now, but I know those cameramen have already gotten a lot of pictures of us fighting and I don't think I'm ready for photo kisses."

"You weren't saying that when we made that sex tape in high school."

"Ugh… why would you remind me of that?"

"It was pretty hot though."

"Oh hot as fuck, but the whole school seeing it was not ideal."

"Let's go to your apartment so I can kiss you because it's not fair when you're looking that cute."

"Now that is something I can get behind."

Santana watched as Brittany slept next to her with that small smile of contentment on her face. This was when she felt as peace when she knew Brittany was at peace. They'd made out a little with heavy petting, but neither of them was ready for anything more at this moment. Brittany because she didn't trust Santana and Santana because she didn't trust herself. To be honest once she started having sex with Brittany she didn't know if she could stop.

Unfortunately she had to finish a paper before tomorrow, so she let her peace sleep as made her way into the kitchen. Even though Quinn had somehow been able to move into their apartment two weeks ago she still found herself surprised when Quinn sat in the quietness of the kitchen. "Well hello Quinferior."

"Ah Satan…"

"Let me to stop you there. If you're gonna live here you better start coming up with some new material. Satan is so middle school. Quinferior just came up out of nowhere."

"Let's not get ahead of your own wit. Just because you're having sex with Brittany again doesn't mean we're back in high school."

"Well again let me stop you there as I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

"Who are you and what have you done with Santana? You could barely control yourself when we are sleeping in the same bed."

"Gross Quinn. I could absolutely control myself." Quinn cocked an eyebrow at her in that oh so Quinn way. "Ok well it wasn't easy. We're waiting. But we're back together I think. I mean neither of us have actually said we're together. However, we have said we love each other."

"Am I supposed to be impressed with the obvious?"

"I wish you'd appreciate the steps I've taken." Out of nowhere a moan came from Mia's bedroom. "What the hell was that? Is Puck here? That's disgusting, I may vomit. Actually excuse me I'm going to go vomit."

"Make room for me. I cannot handle that."

"Isn't it weird that we've had sex with a bunch of the same people but not each other?"

"That's never crossed my mind Santana. Are you that sexually frustrated that you're propositioning me with Brittany in the other room?"

"Fuck you Fabray."

"You'd obviously like that. In all seriousness though Santana, thanks for letting me stay here and I recognise that you've made steps towards becoming a better person, though you do not show those skills to me I am certainly aware of it."

"If we're trying to be kind right now I will say thank you. I have some sort of feeling you're doing this because of Brittany. I will get to the bottom of you."

"You do everything for Brittany so I'd say that's fair."

"Whatever is for the best for her."


End file.
